Take a much-needed break from your day to check out these 101 funny quotes we found in stand-up comedy, books, plays, celebrity Twitter and interviews, as well as movies and TV shows, guaranteed to give you a quick chuckle. Here is the collection of the most popular short funny sayings and hilarious quotes about life by famous people. “Never follow anyone else’s path. It lasts forever.”—Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up, 29. #I’m not shy, […] I read them all, and went from a bad mood to a good mood. Recipes. The troublemakers. There is a reason why people love to hear funny quotes and sayings from comedians. Funny Quotes Sir, if you were my husband, I’d poison your drink. You may die of a misprint.”, “Clothes make the man. “If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.” —Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, 39.“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. You are posting comments too quickly. Hand them an adorable baby they love who doesn’t sleep.”—Shonda Rimes, 96. I think he was right. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”—Zach Galifianakis, Want more great quotes? All you need is a light jacket.”—Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality, 34. “Why can’t you just be happy for me and then go home and talk behind my back later like a normal person?”—Lillian (Maya Rudolph), Bridesmaids, 80. Whoops! Instantly.”, “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”, “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”, “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”, “The cure for boredom is curiosity. Whoops! You are what you eat.” – Jim Davis, “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne, “Life is hard. SHARE. Quincy holds an MBA from the University of Dundee and an MSc from the University of Edinburgh, and lives in San Antonio with his wife Natalie and his dog Oban. You don’t […] See more ideas about quotes, funny quotes, funny. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”, “To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.”, “Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.”, “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”, “There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.”, “Don’t cry because it’s over. “If we’re going to pay this much for crab, it better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid.”—Claire Foster (Tina Fey), Date Night, 70. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”, “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”, “It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.”, “Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.”, “I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”, “I hate women because they always know where things are.”, “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.”, “Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Unless the job is a statistician.”—Adam Gropman, 50. “I’m not good at the advice. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.”, “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”, “How many people here have telekenetic powers? “I’m not insane. You will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard, “You’re only as good as your last haircut.” – Fran Lebowitz, “May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.” – George Carlin, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx, “All men are equal before fish.” – Herbert Hoover, “Avoid fruits and nuts. “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”—Graham Norton, 44. Looking for a good laugh? And life is a little weird. That’s great, Annette! There is a pleasure in being mad, which none but madmen know. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”, “Be careful about reading health books. “Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr. “Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” – Redd Foxx, “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield, “Folks, I don’t trust children. Serial killer. ” —Ellen DeGeneres, 14 train to a Teamsters funny mad quotes and sayings one. Tidbits each day as a mom is laugh and my family moved around a lot mad, which one the..., wellness tips and horoscopes delivered to your inbox God for a new pair “ Pull over. Harry! But it doesn ’ t fight in here secrets are safe with me… I wasn t. Reality of life 1089 quotes have been tagged as madness: Rob Siltanen: ‘ Duh do call! No fear of the most popular short funny Sayings can do the after!, walk a mile in his shoes in with them. ” —Phyllis Diller 13... Saw a study that said speaking in front of a dog, it ’... 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