April 29, 2016, 1:32 pm. If you don’t, well, then you have bigger issues than a big house, and you would do well to use this opportunity, before you’ve made the commitment to marry, to do some soul-searching and decide whether this is really someone with whom you share a strong enough foundation to build a future, regardless of where that future is ultimately housed. I’m don’t like big-stake surprises. It leaves her feeling disconnected. A more productive way to frame this is ” I am upset you purchased this house without even communicating about it with me. Dude, this guy is a winner. A year and a half? And then we split up. But I’m not at all sure on this one. Emotional intimacy is based partly on sharing day in and day out so that the two of you know each other and understand each other. He deliberately withheld this info. It really depends if the rent can keep up with the property taxes/insurance/condo fees, condo fees being the big one, especially if they include utilities which ours did. It’s not logical to feel out of place in your own home. which the LW hasn’t provided], and “mentioning it at all for an entire year”. It is now worth 7 times that. Copyright © 2021 Dear Wendy. Skyblossom I don’t think she had any right to tell him whether or not he could or should buy the house. Anyway – back to the LW – I don’t think this guy did anything wrong. She is WAY jumping the gun here. What I loved about that storyline was that EVERYONE told Jim it was a horrible thing that he did, that Pam would be so pissed, that he shouldn’t have done that without asking her. We are both in our mid - late 20's, have been together for a year and our relationship is serious. … It’s a house, it’s not forever … When they’re engaged, then they can make financial decisions about their future together. At this stage in the relationship he doesn’t need to ask for her input but the lack of sharing of these major things occurring in his life is troublesome. SpaceySteph This was literally none of a gf’s business. But, as prices rise, your mortgage stays the same. I was about to write the same. And the value of the house went up $50,000 in 4 months. I wasn’t expecting him to help make the decision, I wasn’t expecting him to move in, I wasn’t expecting us to get married, it’s just something big that was happening in my life so I told the people in my life. I own another home that I rent out, this gives me income in my retirement. I wonder if the letter writer feels the same? He’s still “me” not “we.”. I think discussions that center on hypothetical resolutions involving the house are not clearest way to acquire the information the letter writer seems to be seeking. She isn’t the wife. We would assume it’s a home he felt secure in growing up and that he feels financially secure about buying at a great deal and with an idea that it will prove to be a smart investment. So, let’s get to it. I mean, he expects you to be put on the mortgage, and to put your energy and emotions into decorating it, and to spend your time living in it. ET April 29, 2016, 12:57 pm, jilliebean I don’t think that’s the situation we have here, but its hard to tell from the LW’s details how serious they really are– and it also strikes me that she’s probably more serious than he is. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. None of those are good. And he made that decision for you without ever asking how you felt. It’s just weird. April 29, 2016, 10:20 am. And for his part, the house symbolizes security. Rule 3: Don't make an offer without mortgage pre-approval. She isn’t the fiancée. The reasons that he gives for living in this home (especially now that it is bought already) make sense. It would make me feel insecure. But at least share that info with the person who it’s going to presumably affect in the future. ... 2018 - 4 min read Shop for mortgage rates without … And I bought him out. He will just decide to buy something without asking me what I think or weather we should invest money into something that is expensive. What are your true concerns here? There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it may speak to a different level of commitment than the LW thinks they have. Who knows what will happen when/if you guys are engaged. This would push on my insecurity because one of my personal points of vulnerability is feeling ignored and disregarded by my spouse. Perhaps bf needs a little longer to say a final farewell to his childhood home. They’re “talking about” getting engaged next year. That is not a decision/discussion for today, unless one of his deal breakers is that his future wife must be willing to live in this house. Perhaps he said “we could decorate it together”, just tossing out possibilities, and she heard it as an actual concrete plan. I am fully aware that I do not have a say on whether buying this house was a good choice or not as we’re not married and it was his money. Thank you for this conversation. Maybe it’s letting him know that when he says things akin to “we’ll get married someday” is really something that is really hurtful to you but you are not allowed to admit that. They also need to learn to communicate in a straight forward manner. My boyfriend (25) and I (21) have been dating for about 2 and half years now. RedRoverRedRover I’d guess fact that this was all decided between him and his parents wouldn’t bother the lw so much if the boyfriend had opened up and kept her in the loop. Back off, LW. April 29, 2016, 8:42 am. I suggested that he sell when we are about six months out from being married, take the money he’ll make on that, and put it towards a house with his wife. How will this house help propel you to your shared goals, assuming you have shared goals? That’s normal. However, if he just flat out refuses to make some simple changes that are really mainly about compromise and respect, just break it off. Wendy (not Wendy) So we sold it. April 29, 2016, 2:59 pm. You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. Don’t let someone peer pressure you into a mortgage-sized financial commitment that you didn’t agree to. He bought this house as an investment/starter house with his own money because it made financial sense to him, not as a house for him and the LW to move into immediately or anything. — Man of my Dreams, But Not the House of My Dreams. It really sounds like she thinks there is more in their future than he has really decided. I think she is freaking out really early on here. April 29, 2016, 11:11 am. wobster109 However, I still agree there is a lack of openness in his actions. The LW and BF are currently just that. I think the more likely explanation is that he doesn’t see the LW and him as a team yet– it’s just not that serious. I have seen many sad stories in my office of families with children over 21 (in one case 44!) He says we’ll have more room there and our flat is on the market – end of. Not everyone shares my belief that just feeling seen, heard, and understood facilitates the comfort and sense of safety required for big-hardheartedness and open-mindedness. But I will say that I think including her on the mortgage would be to her advantage in the case of a divorce because many jurisdictions consider property acquired before marriage as solely the original owners. I’ll also say that just because someone buys you a house doesn’t mean you have to live in it. If you’ve found a man who does the things on this list, don’t let him go – he’s a keeper. Why didn’t this guy even mention it for a year??? Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. My boyfriend has decided that he is going to buy a house with his brother and I am a bit concerned that he is doing it alone and isn't waiting for me. It’s not her place to give input on his decision, but in a normal relationship you’d mention a big thing like that. I can’t imagine being pissed off that some vaguely significant other of mine bought a fucking house. never happened surprises me a little. Why was that? Instead of making excuses, I should have recognized it for the huge issue it was and dumped him then. You aren’t even engaged yet. They are not engaged yet and she is still trying to determine if this is the right road for her. People get themselves into all kinds of financial issues by making large decisions based on a relationship that they haven’t decided is sticking around. It could generate a lifetime of extra income and help you to pay for a house that you choose together. First of all, you’re not married or even living together, so it is HIS financial future he’s securing. Now you say you’re not comfortable with that, and what does he do? Does renting out a home ACTUALLY generate extra income, or just cover your costs? April 29, 2016, 9:01 am. If, on the other hand, he’s not in that deep with the LW and he just wanted to make sure he didn’t lose the chance to buy the house then that’s different. If you do think I should get over my negative feelings about this house, how do you suggest doing that? Though we don’t officially live together — that is, I’m still paying rent for a room in a house where I rarely sleep — we’re ready to move into the next phase of … Viewing their relationship from the POV of “exclusively dating, but not living together or engaged,” I don’t see what’s wrong with that. A compromise you could make is to keep the house and rent it even after you are married. Send an email to problems@deardeidre.org. Does he make you look forward to sitting on the porch watching the sun set in 50 years with him? They are still learning about each other and they are still assessing what the other is willing to do and put in. Not mentioning buying a house for a whole year, in a relationship like mine at least, would be really weird. Yeah, he was out of line. I’m not saying the letter writer should leave things as they are. He sounds tentative at best. The house is simply a symbol, a metaphor, but what it’s symbolizing to each of you is at odds. April 29, 2016, 8:36 am. It wasn’t. The guy made a financial investment, buying a house from his parents. Welcome! One year? The parents moved out and started renting a year ago but I didn’t take that to mean the boyfriend knew for a year he would buy the house off of them at a deal. Man wanted to buy a house together with his gal and she wanted to get married first. Do they want to get married or not? SailBobo What is odd is that he did the whole thing without mentioning it at all. right now, the market has had really stagnant pricing. I think it was a very smart decision. Boris 'hopes' to reveal on February 22 whether Brits can go on holiday, Covid vaccine calculator reveals when YOU will get first and second jabs, Mortified woman spots embarrassing error on her CV after applying for a job, Covid deaths down a quarter in a week as 1,001 more die and 13,013 more get bug, You won't believe the stunning transformation of this burnt-out manor, ©News Group Newspapers Limited in England No. It was crazy. This is the perfect solution. But to me, anyway, financial practicality wins out over the romantic vision. He didn’t treat her like a friend. TaraMonster Since the house is already rented, it wasn’t just purchased yesterday. I’d say don’t move into the house. As Wendy so wisely put it: Even if you break up? The two of you don’t need to live in it for it to be a nice asset for you. I don’t expect to be included in my boyfriend’s finances (if anything, I would probably freak out if I was asked to be right now) but my boyfriend mentions his financial decisions in conversation, like all the other things he does with his day, and I do the same. April 29, 2016, 11:56 am. To surprise her for her 40th birthday, Mabel Simpson’s husband, Hugh, bought a 1930s home in Richardson, Texas. Read Deidre's responses to today's problems. View our online Press Pack. Yeah, which makes it even worse!!! Three? So we bought a house. Unless one of them is gambling it all away or snorting it all up their nose, it just isn’t a SO’s concern, when the SO is just a gf/bf. It is becoming more common in the new age of really late in life marriages. That’s a recipe for misunderstandings and feeling betrayed and all kinds of hurt feelings. April 29, 2016, 10:13 am, “However, he did hide this from me for the past year, and I wonder if this is a sign of future issues we might have with his family or of his not being willing to buy something together eventually.”. Risks of Buying a House While Getting Divorced If you purchase a home while you are in the process of getting divorced , there is a substantial risk that your spouse will claim partial ownership. Most of us would also tell our friends as these steps were happening. Also, did he really “hide ” that he was buying the house? Whatever, that is a bit strange and speaks to an overall lack of communication– what isn’t strange is that someone you are dating, not living with or engaged to, would buy a house with their own money. Real estate is very much about timing, and he saw an opportunity to get property that will give him a good financial foundation at a good price. I agree that there is a communication problem, but I can understand his reluctance to communicate when it really has very little to do with her – indeed, he seems to have made matters worse when he tried to explain himself. April 29, 2016, 10:21 am. The problem is, I’m moving back to the hellhole I couldn’t wait to escape from. This makes someone think that the future is not as tightly secured as one would think. Perhaps they had a burning desire to keep the house in the family and bf is letting them down slowly (this one is a potential problem for LW, as is the next). Entirely his money. It seems that he told her about the house during just such a discussion, which is the first time that it makes sense to bring it up. And he ‘thinks’ she ‘might’ be the person he marries. Raccoon eyes It was news to me. My sister had this issue with her now husband who wanted to buy a house before proposing. Man, I haven’t been this on-the-fence about a situation in a long time. 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